He Loves Him Read online

  He rubbed his fists against his eyes and asked, “Are you going to the gym?”

  “Nah, I’m gonna make a full-on breakfast spread for us.”

  “But you always go to the gym Saturday morning,” he said through a yawn.

  “I went last night, couldn’t sleep.”

  He rolled over in my arms then so that he could look me in the eye. “You okay?”

  “Yeah. It’s my mom’s birthday today. Just a lot going through my head,” I explained.

  “Oh. I can get up and hang out if you want,” he offered.

  “I think I need an hour to myself while I cook just to think. Go back to sleep, my prince. I’ll wake you up for breakfast.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah,” I said then ducked my head down to plant a kiss right on top of his heart, “Try not to get tangled up in the bed this time.”

  He chuckled and pulled my pillow towards him, “See you in an hour then.”

  I slid out of bed and ruffled his hair a bit, “Sweet dreams, Ri.”

  I rifled through his closet until I found one of my missing hoodies, slid that on, and went out to the kitchen. We had gone grocery shopping just the other day and completely filled the fridge to the point of almost not having enough space. I had told Riker it was because I was determined to make sure he didn’t eat ramen for the next two weeks, but the reality was I knew I was going to want to cook more than necessary this week. So, I pulled out a carton of eggs, a pack of bacon, a bunch of vegetables, pancake mix and a few other things.

  First, I chopped up some potatoes and vegetables, mixed them together, and started them frying slowly. Then I set the bacon to cooking in the oven. I was halfway through making pancakes when I was hit with the memories of my mother always letting me stand on a chair and help try to flip the pancakes. It was always a disaster until I turned twelve and finally mastered how to turn the spatula fast enough for the pancake to not slip off and fold in on itself.

  She always used to laugh and tell me, “Well, they’ll still taste good.” And with that memory, a single tear slipped down my cheek.

  Okay that was enough of memory lane. I took some orange juice and champagne and started mixing myself a mimosa. It definitely was not a good idea, but oh well, I needed it right then. I finished the pancakes, checked the rest of the food, started the omelets and downed a second mimosa. Just as I poured a third mimosa and started plating all the food up Riker came wandering out.

  “Are you drinking without me?” he said as he sat down on one of the stools on the other side of the counter he insisted we buy, because it was more convenient for him when he wanted to watch me cook.

  Instead of answering I poured him a mimosa and placed both it and a plate loaded with food in front of him. His eyes lit up at the food, but he took a couple sips of the drink first before digging into his breakfast. I stayed standing on my side of the counter and started eating a slightly smaller portion of all the food.

  Riker was halfway through all of it before he looked up at me and said “You don’t drink very often. You don’t condone me drinking either.”

  “There’s exceptions to everything,” I said as I took three big gulps of my drink.

  “Do you want to talk about your mom?”

  “Not much to say, Ri. I miss her, but she decided not to be in my life anymore. It hurts, but cooking helps. That’s all there is to it.”

  “Okay. Well, the food is great as always.”

  “Thanks,” I said, smiling faintly. I finished the mimosa, and poured one more, then looked at Riker’s glass which was also empty now, “Do you want another one?”

  “Yes, please.”

  I refilled his glass and looked at what was left of the orange juice and champagne. There was just enough left for two more glasses. Part of me realized I maybe shouldn’t be four drinks in this fast. I was guessing it was just around the hour mark since I had the first one. The other part of me wished there was more.

  “So, you got plans for the rest of the day?” Riker said.

  “Kinda just hoping we could chill. Play some video games or something, unless you have plans with the guys.”

  “Nope I’m all yours.”

  We finished our breakfast and started cleaning up. I was putting the leftovers away and he was washing the dishes. When I was sure he wasn’t looking I poured and chugged a fifth drink. As soon as that drink was down I realized that I was quickly becoming very unstable on my feet.

  I placed one hand on Riker’s shoulder and said “Ri, I’ll finish cleaning this all up later. Let’s just go sit down and play some games.”

  He looked back at me. “You sure?”

  “Yeah, come on.”

  He dried his hands then followed me over to the living room where he flopped down on the couch before I had the chance to. Great, I thought, I really needed to sit down ASAP, but instead I was kneeling down in front of the PlayStation and trying to find a game I could potentially actually play right now. I settled on FIFA, I always lost at it anyway, so no matter how bad I was right now it wouldn’t be too much of a giveaway. I had to blink a few times to straighten my vision out enough to slide the game in. Then as carefully as I could. I stood back up and made my way back to the couch with both controllers in hand.

  I sat down and leaned back against his chest, my legs stretched out across the couch. Riker looped his arms around me and took one of the controllers. This was comfortable, this was a safe position.

  “I didn’t expect you to voluntarily pick this game,” Riker said.

  “Thought I’d be nice and give you an easy win to start with.”

  “Oh, I’m going to beat you at everything, this one will just be my favorite.”

  I chuckled and regretted it instantly. There was the nausea. I took a few deep breaths while Riker set up the game. It didn’t really help at all. Turns out picking this game was a mistake. Watching the players run around, trying to keep up with how fast it all moved, how fast Riker played the game, made my head spin worse and worse by the second. I tried to make it through the whole game, I really did, but just fifteen minutes in I had to pause the game.

  “I’m sorry Riker, I can’t.”

  “Can’t what? Play this game, ‘cause I already knew that.”

  “No, no I can’t really do anything right now.”

  “Kit, what are you talking about?” He asked starting to sound a little panicked.

  “I’m drunk, really drunk,” I said.

  “You had like two drinks, your tolerance isn’t that low,” he said in disbelief.

  I closed my eyes and said, “Not joking right now, Ri.”

  I felt rather than heard him sigh, then he was taking the remote from my hand and setting it on the coffee table. Next thing I knew he was pushing me forward off his chest and holding me up by my shoulders.

  “Jeez Kit, how much did you drink?”

  “Five.”

  “Five?” he said, just barely keeping his voice short of a yell, “It’s not even ten in the morning yet.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said pathetically.

  Riker pulled me into a hug, “It’s okay. I don’t mind. I’m just surprised.”

  I clutched desperately at the back of his shirt. “I couldn’t handle the memories, not today.”

  “That’s fair,” he said as he stroked my hair. “You’re not going to puke on me are you?”

  I thought about it for a second. “Don’t think so. I’ll try not to.”

  “Okay, let’s lie you down for a minute. I’m gonna get you some water, and a trash can just in case.”

  “Okay.”

  Chapter 58 – Riker

  April 15th, 2017

  I had to resist the urge to yell and throw the controller. This stupid level was impossible. But reacting the way I wanted to was going to wake up Kit, and the best thing for him right now was sleep. Not just to sleep off the alcohol, but to not have to be awake to think of the memories of his mother. Nope, Kit could just stay aslee
p as long as possible.

  He was curled on his side, his head resting in my lap. I had a blanket pulled up over him, and a trash can sitting at my feet as a precaution. It had been two hours already and I could only play the same video game so many times. But I was scared if I moved it would wake him up. I sighed and set the remote off to the side.

  There was a groan and then Kit was turning in my lap and pressing his face into my stomach. So much for letting him sleep then.

  “You with me?” I asked softly as I ran my fingers through his hair.

  “Yeah,” was the muffled response.

  “Do you want some painkillers?”

  “No,” he said.

  “Okay, well I’m not gonna rush you or anything, but when you feel like it can you look at me?” I said lightly. He nodded slightly. I kept stroking his hair and waited. It was five minutes before he eventually rolled onto his back and looked up at me. His face slightly pinched in pain from what must’ve been the hangover from hell.

  “Kit, did you tell me to go back to sleep so you could get drunk?” I asked.

  “No,” he said without hesitation.

  “Were you trying to hide it from me?”

  “No, I mean kind of. Ri, I swear I didn’t plan on drinking at all when I started cooking. Usually when I cook, I can blank out my mind, you know. I wanted to cook while you were asleep so that I could not think, but it didn’t work. So, I started drinking. And I didn’t intend to get that drunk, but it didn’t feel like it was affecting me at all, so I kept going. It didn’t hit me until we started playing. I thought as long as I wasn’t standing up and moving I could just power through it.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me as soon as we started?” I asked, trying not to feel hurt that he didn’t tell me what was going on.

  “I don’t know. Didn’t want to feel like a hypocrite for drinking so much when I give you grief about drinking.”

  I stroked his cheek and smiled. “You know I don’t listen to you when you get on my case about that.”

  “I’m sorry, Riker,” he said.

  “You can stop apologizing, Kit. I’m not mad or anything, I just wanted to understand,” I said honestly.

  “Every year, I struggle to get through this day. I’ve never really figured out a good way to deal with it. I should’ve explained more this morning instead of being short with you.”

  “Hey, I can’t say anything. I would’ve been short with you too if you were asking me emotional questions. Maybe now that I know though I can help.”

  “How?” he asked.

  “Maybe the key isn’t trying not to think about it. I imagine you always shut yourself away, try to spend the day alone so you don’t ruin anyone else’s mood?” I guessed.

  “Yeah, exactly.”

  “You’ve never tried spending the day with someone you love, someone who loves you. I’m not saying cuddling with me is going to stop you from thinking about her, but maybe it’ll make it hurt a little less. You can say no and I’ll drop it and leave you alone for the rest of the day, but if you want to give it a shot, I’m here.”

  I could see an array of emotions pass over his face as he thought about it. Then it settled on resignation. He nodded. “Okay.”

  “Alright, do you want to cuddle in bed or stay here on the couch?”

  “I might puke if I have to move.”

  I chuckled lightly and bent down to press a kiss to his lips. I nudged him off my lap so that I could get up and turn the console off. Then I switched the TV over to HBO and turned the volume down low figuring he wouldn’t really be watching, but I might. I grabbed some more water and the Advil just in case he changed his mind about it.

  “Alright, I’m tired of sitting up, so make some room,” I said as I climbed over him and laid down against the back of the couch facing him. Kit rolled again and repositioned until his face was pressed into my sternum.

  “I love you, Kit. I love you,” I whispered to him before kissing the top of his head. His hands reached up and clutched at my shirt, and I wound my arms around his middle in return. He stayed like that for an hour, only moving once when I coaxed him into drinking some water. The second time he moved was an hour after that when he ended up puking out the entire contents of his stomach. After that we ate a light lunch—Kit only agreed because he knew it would help the hangover. Then we resumed our position on the couch.

  He didn’t really say anything unless I prompted him. I got the feeling he was lost in his memories and there wasn’t anything else I could really do for him other than just being there. It was sometime later that he started crying. The only sign that it was happening was the fact that his tears were soaking my shirt. Otherwise he didn’t make a sound, and his shoulders didn’t shake as he cried.

  When he was done, he pulled away from me just enough to look into my eyes.

  “You okay?” I asked as I rubbed up and down his side.

  “I’ve never let myself cry about it before. I didn’t think I would feel this good afterward.”

  “Crying does that sometimes. Isn’t that why you always tell me to let it out?”

  He huffed fondly and rested his forehead to mine. “Yeah. I guess I’m not good at taking my own advice. And who knew cuddles were a magical cure.”

  “Me. I did,” I said smugly.

  He flashed a tired smile at me, “Thank you, my Prince.”

  “You’re welcome, Romeo,” I said as I pulled him flush to my chest.

  He grew quiet again, and I was pretty sure he fell asleep against me. That was fine, emotions were exhausting, and he didn’t experience them on this level very often. I still wasn’t used to being the one doing the emotional comforting, but at least I seemed to be good enough at it for him. It certainly would never be my strong suit. Kit always knew what to say, always could say something deep and meaningful to make me feel better when I needed it. He always knew when not to say anything and just be there. All I could do was be there, I didn’t know any other way to comfort him and support him, but maybe that was all he needed.

  Chapter 59 - Kit

  April 27th, 2017

  It was such a simple moment, that we found ourselves in, and it was that simplicity that made it perfect. So perfect I didn’t want to leave it. Riker’s head was resting on my chest and I was playing with his hair, my free hand slowly running up and down his arm.

  “I wish we could freeze time, stay in this moment forever,” I muttered.

  “Stay in this way of life, before you can make your way into the real world,” he added on. The last few days he would grow quiet anytime the topic of my graduation came up. He would never admit it, but he was scared of what would happen when I graduated and started my job while he would still be in school. He was afraid that everything would change then he would find himself alone. He was scared he was going to lose me.

  “I’ll never leave you. I’ll always be right here with you. I promise,” I told him, and I meant it.

  “I’ve been told that before,” he muttered back. I couldn’t blame him for reacting like this.

  “Hey, come here,” I said as I pulled my arms away from him so that he could slide up face to face with me. I rolled over onto my side so that we were looking directly into each other’s eyes. “Listen, one day your ex is going to realize he made the biggest mistake of his life. He was a complete idiot. But I’m not him. You mean the world to me, and I don’t think I could bear life without you. It might get hard, but I will do whatever it takes to make it work, because I don’t ever want to say goodbye to you. It would hurt too much.” I placed my hand right over his heart. “Your heart is safe with me. I promise I will never let it break.”

  He tilted his head forward so that our foreheads were touching. “A lot of things are going to change,” he said

  “I know. We’ll figure it out as we go,” I told him. He gave me a small smile that disappeared nearly as fast as it showed up. I smiled back at him. I knew he wanted to believe me, and I knew he trusted me, but he was s
o emotionally scarred he was going to find it hard to believe until it actually happened. All I could do was keep reassuring him. “Just forget about it for now. Follow the advice you give to me all the time, enjoy life in the moment.” As I told him that I propped myself up and kissed him real quick. As soon as I stopped kissing him, he pulled me back in for another, longer one.

  Then my phone started ringing. “Seriously?” I said and began to turn to reach for it.

  “Just let it ring,” Riker said as he grabbed my wrist and started kissing me again. The phone kept ringing in the background until it finally hit voicemail. It went silent and we thought we were back in our perfect moment. Then it started ringing again.

  Riker groaned and said, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

  “I’m sorry,” I apologized as I rolled over grabbed the phone and answered it. As soon as the voice on the other side started talking I wished I hadn’t answered it.

  Chapter 60 – Riker

  April 27-28th, 2017

  Kit hadn’t moved since he hung up the phone. For half an hour, he had just been sitting there staring blankly across at the wall. I was sitting next to him, rubbing circles on his back. His parents had died, I could sit with him as long as he wanted.

  “The funeral’s this Sunday. My aunt’s in charge of it. We’re both invited.”

  “Do you want to go?” I asked gently. If I was being honest, I didn’t want him too. His parents didn’t deserve to have him there, didn’t deserve for their son to mourn them. But it wasn’t about them. This was about him and what he deserved, and what he needed to do.

  “I don’t know.” He turned and leaned into me, resting his head against my chest. “Can I stay in your room tonight?”

  “Yeah, of course.” I looped an arm around his waist and pulled him in tighter to my side, then pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

  “I’m their only son. I should go,” he said. It was so quiet. His voice sounded so numb that I couldn’t tell if he believed what he said or not.